Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
