well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
