I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
