They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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