Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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