I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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