my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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