Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
