I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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