Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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