last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
