If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
