pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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