We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
