she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
