***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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