I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
