just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
