Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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