I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
