hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
