I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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