And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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