did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
