i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Randomize
