Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
