On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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