If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
