I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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