Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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