I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
