ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
