So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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