I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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