i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
