So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
