my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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