Apparently you make a good broom.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
