why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
