Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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