my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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