Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
