i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize