I just gift wrapped bread.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
