cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
this hospital has no fireball
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize