It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
