You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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