I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
