Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
