she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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