she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You dont lie about slip and slides
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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