Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
