so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't deserve a penis
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
i think my cat just said my name.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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