Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
