I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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