Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
