Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
