Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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