I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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