My liver just broke up with me...
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
