it was like eating out sand paper
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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