So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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